Tuesday Trials

It has always been my intention in this blog to deal honestly with the circumstances, attitudes, issues, feelings, tensions, frustrations, fears, emotions (the whole laundry list) associated with our battle with Ewing's Sarcoma.

Not to bare all for any impure motive like a need for attention or sympathy - but to share enough of what we face so that others will know that we are, by God's grace, grappling with the uncertainty and suffering associated with such a trial in a way that is honest and authentic. We are relying upon God alone for the wisdom and strength that we need to live through this monetary (momentary, that is) affliction in a way that pleases God.

Our desire, from the beginning, has been to please God. By God's grace, we continue to pray that what He has seen, what He is seeing, is pleasing in His sight. And we pray continually that others may see through our frailty to His great strength, wisdom, and power. That others may see His love and grace shine through our circumstances. That others may know the hope that we have in the Lord Jesus Christ. That others may experience the peace available to all who trust Jesus Christ to free them from their bondage to sin and free them to live wholeheartedly for Him.

As the days pass, our hope does not wane. Our hope intensifies. Each day is a day closer to seeing Jesus face to face. The peace in our hearts sustains us more than ever.

At the same time, the circumstances of each day become more difficult. As my pain increases and my body continues to shut down (I will not take time to share all the details - there is really no need to do so - but this is part of the challenge we are facing), our dependence upon God is put to the test. Do we still have hope? Do we still enjoy His peace?

In all of this, my dear wife's burden is increasing. I find it frustrating that the best I can seem to do is to pray for her and to encourage her through each circumstance. In all of the busy-ness, she wrestles with finding quality time to spend with Jesus, the only One who can truly help her through this. In these times, she needs her brothers and sisters in Christ to lift her up in prayer. Please pray for her to have strength. Please pray for her to have rest in Him, even in the midst of her busy-ness.

Don't get this wrong - my wife is strong in the Lord. She knows the source of her strength. Her love for me is unwavering. Because her love for God is unwavering. But she needs to be held up in prayer.

Today is one of those days that I feel like the two-month prognosis is accurate. I feel the pressure of time pressing against "the list" of things that should be accomplished before I go. Every day, I must face these feelings head-on and focus on the truth of God's Word. He still numbers my days. And I must be all about using these days according to the priorities that He has given me.

One of the frustrations that we face as a couple these days is that we have not been able to sit together for any reasonable length of time, to pray, to read the Bible together, to share the blessings that I have received through numerous e-mails from "people from the past." In 21 years, we have always found time to share such moments with each other; in the past three weeks, when we need each other most, we cannot find the time.

In addition to receiving numerous cards, e-mails, and phone calls extending prayers and encouragement, we have been blessed with many out-of town visitors - both family and friends. We have enjoyed spending time with each person who has come into our home.

The only drawback in all this is that there is only so much time. It is not possible to see everyone we would like to see. That we need to see.

There is one particular family that we need to see. That we have not seen or spent time with in quite a while. A family, like many others, that has given freely and sacrificially of themselves, to be a blessing to our family from the very beginning of my diagnosis.

On the day that the oncologist told us I had Ewing's Sarcoma, our children were staying with the McLaughlin Family. That night, we asked them to pray about being the family primarily responsible for the care of our childen while cancer treatments took us out of town - for up to five days at a time. Prayerfully, they agreed, and have taken in our children and treated them as their own on many occasions - sometimes at a monent's notice. We are grateful for their sacrifice and value their friendship. The gift that they gave us was not insignificant. We need to get together with them and spend some quality time in prayer.

I do want to slight any other families. Many other dear families and friends have helped us out in so many ways. Meals. Taking care of our children after school. Cleaning. Doing household projects. And the list goes on. We would love to have the time to spend with each person, each family, who made some kind of sacrifice on our behalf - we know there are many! But time just doesn't permit us to do so. I can only hope and pray that those of whom I speak know the depth of our gratitude and love for them. And that one day, Lord willing, we will all join togther in singing praises to our Savior in Heaven.

I was just looking through a pile of notes and found this:

Am I more consumed with God or with what God can do for me?

Interesting thought/challenge for today.

Most of "the clan" is leaving this morning for Easton, PA and the Crayola Crayon Factory. Lunches are being packed. Children are getting washed and dressed. There is excitement in the air. At least, among the children. The adults are getting ready for whatever the day may bring.
My wife should be returning shortly from taking our daughter to school. Due to various circumstances, they got a late start.

Such is the start of this Tuesday.