Well, I did it today. I am finally bald. It feels like I’m wearing a York Peppermint Patty on my head. Ooh, feel the sensation!
On a more serious note . . .
A reader posted a comment today and asked if you all might only be reading the “cream of [my] thoughts.” She asked if I ever feel sadness, grief, fear, or anger. Especially anger about the possibility of dying sooner than imagined.
First, I have tried to be completely open and honest about what we are going through. I haven’t tried to hide any feelings. We have had moments of sadness and have shed some tears over the “what ifs?”. There have been fears about specific procedures and needles. Mostly needles. But we have not experienced what I would call grief. And we have never been angry at God. The insurance company – okay, a few times!
As far as being angry about the possibility of dying sooner than imagined, I have not experienced that emotion either. Now I realize that this is, in part, due to the fact that my oncologists have positive expectations about the outcome of my treatment. Death has not come up as an option. On the other hand, my wife and I realize that there are no guarantees, and we have discussed the possibility. Again, there are some fears about leaving my wife and children behind, but I do know that they will be in good hands. I trust God. He can take care of them much better than I can! [I’m weeping as I write this.] But there is no anger. God numbers our days. Each day we have is a gift from Him. There is no guarantee of a tomorrow for any of us. I trust Him completely in this. That may sound odd to some people, but that is my attitude. It is an attitude grounded in the Word of God and championed by the Holy Spirit that indwells me.
I also know that God made each one of us a little different. We all handle things differently. We have different emotions. And God knows our emotions. And He can handle our questions. So when we have fears, sadness, or anger, we can run to Him for help.
I do not want to come off sounding like I have all the answers. I do not. I am only six weeks into the battle. But I know what I believe. I know what God tells me in His Word. I know the One who has all the answers. And I know the One who gives me life.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Putting on My Big Boy Boxers
We visited the oncologist at LVH yesterday. We had some good news and some bad news (But remember, God is always good!). The good news is that my white blood cell counts are up and I am not so vulnerable to infections. The bad news is that my red blood cell count is still low - so fatigue will continue to be a factor.
We also discovered today, via ultrasound, that I have a blood clot in my lower right leg. I have to give myself an injection of blood thinner in the belly each day for six days. Now, I do not like needles. Does anyone? I cannot even look at them when I have an injection or have blood drawn. But yesterday, I was told that I would have to learn to give myself injections. Whenever my daughter does not want to do something, we lovingly tell her that she needs to put on her big girls panties and deal with it. So, yesterday, I put on my big boy boxers and learned to give myself an injection. Here is an instance, men, when having a little extra fat around the mid-section is a definite plus!
We return to LVH on Friday for an MRI and another blood draw. On Monday, I have my third round of chemotherapy.
In the meantime, our daughter has to go to the doctor to be checked for a sinus infection, and our youngest son has to have a rash on his face checked. Yesterday, the passenger-side window in our van decided to stop working (the motor died) while in the down position during a rainstorm. Medical paperwork is piling up. Our oldest son’s paperwork for West Point is piling up. And there’s laundry. And dishes. And cleaning. And bills. And shopping. I list all these things not because I think that we have more on our plate than any other family, but because I know that we all deal with the same, or similar, pressures every day.
Life piles up. Life can be overwhelming.
We can throw up our hands and say, “I give up. I quit.” But that accomplishes nothing. That just puts us deeper in the mire.
We can drown in the details, unless we learn to cling to the Lifesaver. Unless we learn to trust the God who is sovereign over the details. Unless we believe, with every fiber of our being, that God is good – all the time.
We can’t handle it all on our own. [We may think we can. And maybe we can, for a season. But we all get to a point, eventually, where it is too much to bear on our own.] We need Him. I need Him. I am reminded of this fact every day. And I am so thankful that the God who met my greatest need – to be saved from sin and death – also meets my daily needs. Because He loves me and He knows what is best for me. He may not always meet my need in the way that I think it needs to be met or in the time frame that I think it need to be met in, but He always meets my need according to his good and perfect will – always in a way that is best for me and for my growth in Christlikeness.
To end on a lighter note, today I am going to the barber shop to have my head shaved. A few bristles of hair have managed to cling to my balding pate, but today is the day of reckoning.
May God be real in your life today!
We also discovered today, via ultrasound, that I have a blood clot in my lower right leg. I have to give myself an injection of blood thinner in the belly each day for six days. Now, I do not like needles. Does anyone? I cannot even look at them when I have an injection or have blood drawn. But yesterday, I was told that I would have to learn to give myself injections. Whenever my daughter does not want to do something, we lovingly tell her that she needs to put on her big girls panties and deal with it. So, yesterday, I put on my big boy boxers and learned to give myself an injection. Here is an instance, men, when having a little extra fat around the mid-section is a definite plus!
We return to LVH on Friday for an MRI and another blood draw. On Monday, I have my third round of chemotherapy.
In the meantime, our daughter has to go to the doctor to be checked for a sinus infection, and our youngest son has to have a rash on his face checked. Yesterday, the passenger-side window in our van decided to stop working (the motor died) while in the down position during a rainstorm. Medical paperwork is piling up. Our oldest son’s paperwork for West Point is piling up. And there’s laundry. And dishes. And cleaning. And bills. And shopping. I list all these things not because I think that we have more on our plate than any other family, but because I know that we all deal with the same, or similar, pressures every day.
Life piles up. Life can be overwhelming.
We can throw up our hands and say, “I give up. I quit.” But that accomplishes nothing. That just puts us deeper in the mire.
We can drown in the details, unless we learn to cling to the Lifesaver. Unless we learn to trust the God who is sovereign over the details. Unless we believe, with every fiber of our being, that God is good – all the time.
We can’t handle it all on our own. [We may think we can. And maybe we can, for a season. But we all get to a point, eventually, where it is too much to bear on our own.] We need Him. I need Him. I am reminded of this fact every day. And I am so thankful that the God who met my greatest need – to be saved from sin and death – also meets my daily needs. Because He loves me and He knows what is best for me. He may not always meet my need in the way that I think it needs to be met or in the time frame that I think it need to be met in, but He always meets my need according to his good and perfect will – always in a way that is best for me and for my growth in Christlikeness.
To end on a lighter note, today I am going to the barber shop to have my head shaved. A few bristles of hair have managed to cling to my balding pate, but today is the day of reckoning.
May God be real in your life today!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Kevin Feathers, Apple Pie, and Lessons from an Old Prophet
For the past week, I have been laying low, trying to avoid exposing my immune-deficient body to any unnecessary risks. Now, I am not extremely extroverted, but I have had a difficult time being confined to the home.
When we used to take long car trips with small children - fourteen to eighteen hour drives to see family - we used to joke about having kevin feathers the last few hours of the trip. I'm not sure whch of our children coined the phrase for cabin fever. But you know the feeling, the feeling that you cannot spend another minute in the car. The feeling that you have to get out of the house. The feeling that you have to find a way to crawl out of your own skin.
I had a bad case of kevin feathers this week. I was getting irritable (ask my wife!). I had to get out of the house - so we did. We ventured out to have lunch with some friends. And on the way home, we stopped by the house of another couple we had not seen in a while. Here, we happened upon a fresh-baked apple pie. What timing!
Note: Fresh baked apple pie at the home of friends is a great cure for kevin feathers!
Moments like this are a nice, temporary diversion from the difficulties we are facing. But the difficulties are still present and there are still lessons to be learned . . .
In the midst of my present difficulty, God is present, working out His sovereign plan in my life and the lives of those around me.
I revisited an old prophet this week:
Habakkuk cried out to God as he observed what was going on around him – violence, injustice, wickedness. He asked God why He wasn’t doing anything about it. God answered him and told him to look around. He was doing something – something so amazing that Habakkuk would not believe it! God was already at work in the circumstances.
Then God told Habakkuk His plan to use the wicked Babylonians to chastise Israel. This was not the answer that Habakkuk was expecting! But Habakkuk praised God. Habakkuk thought about God. He reflected upon His character. He looked past the circumstances to see the God who was in control of the circumstances.
God told Habakkuk that the righteous will live by his faith (2:4). God wanted Habakkuk to live by his faith.
Living by faith means looking past our circumstances and seeing God who as at work in our circumstances.
In the end, Habakkuk determined to praise God because he knew that the Lord was his strength (3:17-19).
Like Habakkuk, when we are afflicted, we can choose to acknowledge God’s sovereignty and rejoice in our salvation, knowing that God is our strength.
Grace and peace to you all.
When we used to take long car trips with small children - fourteen to eighteen hour drives to see family - we used to joke about having kevin feathers the last few hours of the trip. I'm not sure whch of our children coined the phrase for cabin fever. But you know the feeling, the feeling that you cannot spend another minute in the car. The feeling that you have to get out of the house. The feeling that you have to find a way to crawl out of your own skin.
I had a bad case of kevin feathers this week. I was getting irritable (ask my wife!). I had to get out of the house - so we did. We ventured out to have lunch with some friends. And on the way home, we stopped by the house of another couple we had not seen in a while. Here, we happened upon a fresh-baked apple pie. What timing!
Note: Fresh baked apple pie at the home of friends is a great cure for kevin feathers!
Moments like this are a nice, temporary diversion from the difficulties we are facing. But the difficulties are still present and there are still lessons to be learned . . .
In the midst of my present difficulty, God is present, working out His sovereign plan in my life and the lives of those around me.
I revisited an old prophet this week:
Habakkuk cried out to God as he observed what was going on around him – violence, injustice, wickedness. He asked God why He wasn’t doing anything about it. God answered him and told him to look around. He was doing something – something so amazing that Habakkuk would not believe it! God was already at work in the circumstances.
Then God told Habakkuk His plan to use the wicked Babylonians to chastise Israel. This was not the answer that Habakkuk was expecting! But Habakkuk praised God. Habakkuk thought about God. He reflected upon His character. He looked past the circumstances to see the God who was in control of the circumstances.
God told Habakkuk that the righteous will live by his faith (2:4). God wanted Habakkuk to live by his faith.
Living by faith means looking past our circumstances and seeing God who as at work in our circumstances.
In the end, Habakkuk determined to praise God because he knew that the Lord was his strength (3:17-19).
Like Habakkuk, when we are afflicted, we can choose to acknowledge God’s sovereignty and rejoice in our salvation, knowing that God is our strength.
Grace and peace to you all.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Discarding
In When the Game is Over It All Goes Back in the Box, John Ortberg discusses the process of discarding – getting rid of the things that hold you back, the pressing things that keep you from what matters most. We all have things that keep us from what is really important – loving God and loving people. There are times when even our safety, security and comfort may need to be discarded in order to focus on what really matters. In the end we must realize that God is more concerned with our character than our comfort.
If you and I enjoyed nothing but ease and comfort, our world would never learn anything very impressive about God. It would never learn that God is worth serving – even when the going gets tough. Joni Tada
It is in the struggle that our character is revealed. It is in our weakness that God’s grace is magnified.
Part of what makes a human life most powerful is the struggle. John Ortberg
We have a choice – are we going to use the struggle for the purpose that God intended, or are we going to let it use us? It is God alone that determines what is best for me. He spares no pain in accomplishing His will for my life. I need to make a conscious decision that this struggle is for my own good and for His glory. There is an opportunity here to grow in Christ-like character and to magnify the glory of God. We have a choice about the contents and character of our inner lives. We cannot use our struggles as an excuse for sinning. We cannot always control our circumstances, but we are responsible for our responses. We will be held accountable to the Living God for the choices we make.
For those who embrace God in the midst of adversity, there is great comfort and growth in Christ-like character. Ed, a Christian brother and friend, who has suffered great pain due to an accident sixteen months ago, has been a great encouragement to me. He recently wrote: I learned that no matter how strong we think we are God wants us to depend on Him for sustenance in life. Job has also been a great example for me. Job 42:5-6 are verses that gave me a new perspective on how to conduct my life. My pride is not important or anything that was important in my life except looking forward to the Kingdom and seeing that my loved ones and anyone that will listen gets there also. Our ultimate mission is to sow seeds, water them, and reap the harvest of souls for Jesus alone. Thanks Ed!
When all else is discarded, we find out what is really important.
If you and I enjoyed nothing but ease and comfort, our world would never learn anything very impressive about God. It would never learn that God is worth serving – even when the going gets tough. Joni Tada
It is in the struggle that our character is revealed. It is in our weakness that God’s grace is magnified.
Part of what makes a human life most powerful is the struggle. John Ortberg
We have a choice – are we going to use the struggle for the purpose that God intended, or are we going to let it use us? It is God alone that determines what is best for me. He spares no pain in accomplishing His will for my life. I need to make a conscious decision that this struggle is for my own good and for His glory. There is an opportunity here to grow in Christ-like character and to magnify the glory of God. We have a choice about the contents and character of our inner lives. We cannot use our struggles as an excuse for sinning. We cannot always control our circumstances, but we are responsible for our responses. We will be held accountable to the Living God for the choices we make.
For those who embrace God in the midst of adversity, there is great comfort and growth in Christ-like character. Ed, a Christian brother and friend, who has suffered great pain due to an accident sixteen months ago, has been a great encouragement to me. He recently wrote: I learned that no matter how strong we think we are God wants us to depend on Him for sustenance in life. Job has also been a great example for me. Job 42:5-6 are verses that gave me a new perspective on how to conduct my life. My pride is not important or anything that was important in my life except looking forward to the Kingdom and seeing that my loved ones and anyone that will listen gets there also. Our ultimate mission is to sow seeds, water them, and reap the harvest of souls for Jesus alone. Thanks Ed!
When all else is discarded, we find out what is really important.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Disappointing News
Sometimes we do not get the answer we are expecting. Life, in fact, is full of unexpected answers. Things do not always go as planned. So, how do we handle these disappointments?
Yesterday, I went the doctor's office to have my blood counts checked. I had been anticipating this day. It would, or so I thought, be the day that the doctor would tell me that all is well and that I can resume somewhat normal activities for two weeks. I anticipated being able to attend some basketball games, visiting my students, attending church services, and getting together with friends..
But the results were not what I expected. It turns out that my white blood cell count is practically zero and my red blood cell count is low. So, I need to lay low for another week.
Am I disappointed? Yes. I was looking forward to being out and about for the week - under limits set by my wife, of course! But instead, I am homebound for the week. And that is OK. I know that God is still in control, and He knows much better what I need than I do. Sometimes, we need to step back. We need to retreat. We need to rest. And we find our rest in God.
He comforts us. He strengthens us. He prepares us for what lies ahead - even when (epecially when) we can't see what is ahead.
When we are faced with disappointment, we must trust God. He is in control. He will work our all things for our good (by His definition, not ours!) and His glory.
When disappointing news arrives, when things do not go as planned, we have a choice. We can waste a lot of time complaining, or we can accept and embrace our present circumstances, knowing that God is present with us.
For today, I have made my choice. May God be glorified.
Yesterday, I went the doctor's office to have my blood counts checked. I had been anticipating this day. It would, or so I thought, be the day that the doctor would tell me that all is well and that I can resume somewhat normal activities for two weeks. I anticipated being able to attend some basketball games, visiting my students, attending church services, and getting together with friends..
But the results were not what I expected. It turns out that my white blood cell count is practically zero and my red blood cell count is low. So, I need to lay low for another week.
Am I disappointed? Yes. I was looking forward to being out and about for the week - under limits set by my wife, of course! But instead, I am homebound for the week. And that is OK. I know that God is still in control, and He knows much better what I need than I do. Sometimes, we need to step back. We need to retreat. We need to rest. And we find our rest in God.
He comforts us. He strengthens us. He prepares us for what lies ahead - even when (epecially when) we can't see what is ahead.
When we are faced with disappointment, we must trust God. He is in control. He will work our all things for our good (by His definition, not ours!) and His glory.
When disappointing news arrives, when things do not go as planned, we have a choice. We can waste a lot of time complaining, or we can accept and embrace our present circumstances, knowing that God is present with us.
For today, I have made my choice. May God be glorified.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
His Terms, Not Ours
It is Sunday morning. Our children have gone to Sunday School and morning worship. I am feeling much better than I have the past four days. I woke up without nausea and am feeling somewhat rested.
My wife and I just watched an Andy Stanley message on the Internet. The message focused on the fact that we need to come to God on His terms, not our own. Most people do not become Christians because all their questions are answered; they become Christians when something personal happens to minimize these questions. He used the account of Abraham in Genesis 12:1-3 and 15:5-6 to show an example of God revealing Himself on His own terms to an individual person. In Genesis 15:5-6, Abraham put aside all his questions; in verse 6, we read: And Abraham believed the LORD; and He credited it to Him as righteousness. With trust and humility, Abraham submitted to God. Citing John 3:16, Stanley said that the change in your thinking about God comes when you realize that God is personal, that He knows you, He loves you, and He cares about you.
That’s how it was for me, in March of 1993, during the Storm of the Century, on a men’s retreat. It was there that I was overwhelmed by the love of God. Then, in humility I trusted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in response to the truth of the Word of God.
Andy Stanley challenged his listeners, and I would like to challenge those of you who are reading this blog but are not quite sure about this whole God thing – take some time to tell God: God, I want to know You more than I want all my questions to be answered. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you on His terms. And wait to see what happens. What do you have to lose?
My wife and I just watched an Andy Stanley message on the Internet. The message focused on the fact that we need to come to God on His terms, not our own. Most people do not become Christians because all their questions are answered; they become Christians when something personal happens to minimize these questions. He used the account of Abraham in Genesis 12:1-3 and 15:5-6 to show an example of God revealing Himself on His own terms to an individual person. In Genesis 15:5-6, Abraham put aside all his questions; in verse 6, we read: And Abraham believed the LORD; and He credited it to Him as righteousness. With trust and humility, Abraham submitted to God. Citing John 3:16, Stanley said that the change in your thinking about God comes when you realize that God is personal, that He knows you, He loves you, and He cares about you.
That’s how it was for me, in March of 1993, during the Storm of the Century, on a men’s retreat. It was there that I was overwhelmed by the love of God. Then, in humility I trusted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in response to the truth of the Word of God.
Andy Stanley challenged his listeners, and I would like to challenge those of you who are reading this blog but are not quite sure about this whole God thing – take some time to tell God: God, I want to know You more than I want all my questions to be answered. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you on His terms. And wait to see what happens. What do you have to lose?
Friday, January 18, 2008
Life Is A Gift
These days, my family and I have been the recipient of many acts of sacrificial love and kindness. Being a recipient teaches many lessons about serving, giving, and gratitude . . .
Serving in self giving love is the most God-like thing a human being can do. John Ortberg
We have the example of God giving His own Son as the perfect sacrifice for our sins so that we may enjoy fellowship with Him for eternity. As we serve others, we partake in this same sacrificial love which God demonstrates for us.
Giving is an act of confidence in God. John Ortberg
As we give our time, money, and resources to others, we give up a little bit of control. We make a decision, conscious or unconscious, to trust God to meet our needs. We express a confidence that God will provide for our own needs as we provide for the needs of others.
I have been thinking about our tendency to hold on and protect our time, our money, and our resources. How much deeper would our confidence in God, how much deeper would our joy be if we learned to let go a little more and treat our possessions what they really are – resources given to us by God to be used for His glory and the benefit of others. I have certainly been challenged by the giving of others. But what steps will I take to put this into practice?
In Philippians 4, Paul writes of his joy that the giving of his recipients will be credited to their account (4:17). They are laying up treasure in heaven. In verse 19, Paul prays that God will supply all their needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. God is limitless. We can never out-give God! This reality was expressed recently by a Christian brother who wrote: Anything I can do to provide for you is a small thing considering the power of our God . . . This is the least I can do as a brother in Christ.
Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. John Ortberg
Life is a gift. I thought I knew that. But having cancer has brought it home. Life is a gift. Each day is a gift. I am learning – yes, still learning – to be grateful for each day. Grateful for my salvation in Christ Jesus. Grateful for a loving wife and friend. Grateful for three great children. And grateful for the opportunity to be a trophy of God’s grace. If he can save and transform a wretch like me, then surely He can do the same for others.
Serving in self giving love is the most God-like thing a human being can do. John Ortberg
We have the example of God giving His own Son as the perfect sacrifice for our sins so that we may enjoy fellowship with Him for eternity. As we serve others, we partake in this same sacrificial love which God demonstrates for us.
Giving is an act of confidence in God. John Ortberg
As we give our time, money, and resources to others, we give up a little bit of control. We make a decision, conscious or unconscious, to trust God to meet our needs. We express a confidence that God will provide for our own needs as we provide for the needs of others.
I have been thinking about our tendency to hold on and protect our time, our money, and our resources. How much deeper would our confidence in God, how much deeper would our joy be if we learned to let go a little more and treat our possessions what they really are – resources given to us by God to be used for His glory and the benefit of others. I have certainly been challenged by the giving of others. But what steps will I take to put this into practice?
In Philippians 4, Paul writes of his joy that the giving of his recipients will be credited to their account (4:17). They are laying up treasure in heaven. In verse 19, Paul prays that God will supply all their needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. God is limitless. We can never out-give God! This reality was expressed recently by a Christian brother who wrote: Anything I can do to provide for you is a small thing considering the power of our God . . . This is the least I can do as a brother in Christ.
Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. John Ortberg
Life is a gift. I thought I knew that. But having cancer has brought it home. Life is a gift. Each day is a gift. I am learning – yes, still learning – to be grateful for each day. Grateful for my salvation in Christ Jesus. Grateful for a loving wife and friend. Grateful for three great children. And grateful for the opportunity to be a trophy of God’s grace. If he can save and transform a wretch like me, then surely He can do the same for others.
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